On Anti-Semitism, Rape Survival, and Victim Disorganization

This month, I learned I had been summarily banned from a queer space I had loved for a decade. People have told me that the official story is they banned me for being “illogical” and for reporting anti-Semitism in ways that they didn't like.

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There’s a phrase that’s been getting me through these last few weeks. It came years ago from another Jew, a Jewish victim of sexual violence who was correcting my own actions as a safe space leader. She said something to the effect of, “victims/survivors get to be as organized or disorganized as anyone else.” She was very, very right about that correction. I had been going about things in the wrong way, asking her for too much information and for too many decisions. Asking her to do all the organizational labor.

Throughout this horror with anti-Semitism, I’ve gotten criticism about not having organized myself perfectly. Even about not having organized myself perfectly when I had just learned to flush teargas as a medic in DC streets (June 1, 2020 sure was a son of a bench, huh? #standupfightback #BLM #GeorgeFloyd), then in the rest of June, when my brain got poisoned by no blood sugar and Xanax and I was literally in hospitals for mania and psychosis. In July and August when my brain was healing enormously from brain injury and severe amnesia.

But whether I had been hospitalized or not, I had the full right to be a little disorganized. If you’re a victim of any kind of abuse, so do you.

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When I first started doing safe space work in 2014, I fucked up in so many ways. I fumbled as I tried to lead. There were times I made the wrong decision and unwittingly participated in evil when I cowed to what other people wanted.

All I can say is that I tried and I still try. I never gave up on trying to make Jewish spaces safer and I never will.

In the past few years, I have told survivors myself, don’t let people tell you that you weren’t allowed to be a little disorganized too. Maybe you couldn’t remember some things (who can remember everything?). Maybe you remembered them later. Maybe you didn’t. You could even have been the biggest asshole in the world to absolutely everyone, and it was still rape/assault/harassment and it was still not OK.

That’s how it is with systemic anti-Semitism or any other kind of abuse. I get to be a little disorganized. I get to not know exactly what I need next except support from my family and best friends.

So thank you so much to victims who have been brave, even and especially the ones who corrected me on my own behavior. You made me better. You made me able to help other people. Thank God for you.

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FAQs from the October mishegas (that means “mess” in Yiddish) with the DC group I will gracefully not name again:

(1) Q: Are you ok, fam?

A: No. but I’m getting there.

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(2) Q: Do you need every Jewish person you care about to stay away from this space you mentioned?

A: NO. GOD, it is SO frustrating that people would even think this of me. I am not a middle school child. It’s NEVER been about that. This is not about me punishing anyone or depriving groups of Jews. It’s about groups taking on some consequences for actions. If you were already friendly with the group and want to invest Jewish labor to make a truly-wonderful-in-other-ways space better, PLEASE do.

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(3) Q: So after all that six-month work to help them understand it all, they banned you anyway?

A: Yep.

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(4) Q: Gross.

A: Agreed.

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(5) Q: Why?

A: Don’t really know. I got inconveniently Jewish and inconveniently strong? They got pressured to do it? People got paranoid and really, really wanted me to shut up? Groupthink sometimes gives people a desire to punish and punish absolutely? Hurt feelings and hurt egos sometimes produce rage and that produces disgusting, bigoted actions? The “why”s aren’t super relevant for me anymore. I tortured myself enough with that in the summer and autumn when I began to suspect banning would happen no matter how hard I tried to explain it all.

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(6) Q: I’m totally with you and antiSemitism sucks, but could you explain the entire painful 10-year story of aggressions and microaggressions one more time just so I know I can really trust you?

A: No.

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(7) Q: What if I personally attended the space WITH you or you recommended it to me and I haven’t tried it, or I went once and didn’t think it was really for me but have stayed curious?

A: Then of course I will make time for you. That’s the entire point of this awfulness, to inform and protect. I didn’t really wanna have to keep taking time away from my election actions, my own mental health healing, my relationships, my family, and grad school. But I wasn’t left much of a choice. Email me. I will try to respond. Not on the Interwebs. I’ve been talking about it irl, on the phone, etc. and will continue to do it that way unless and until I feel that i have to switch back to more public methods.

But not this week, not anymore. Maybe not this month. It’s too much.

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(8) Q: What if I want to contact them and ask them all about it?

A: That is 100% your right, but we will respect them as much as possible. I’m not giving out contact info for anyone. And please don’t tell me about these convos unless we are very, very close. Your own indecisiveness between the side of right and the groupthink side of wrong is not relevant for me.

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(9) Q: Is there anything they could possibly do to improve this?

A: They could apologize sincerely, through any close friend of mine, for the bizarre perma-ban. It would be a symbol. They’ll never have to deal with my presence again, no matter what. They lost me weeks ago. But they won’t. People tend to get VERY intractable when they’ve fucked up and it becomes even mildly public. (See every single famous dude/person publicly accused of chronic misbehavior. They don’t exactly apologize quickly, and often not at all.)

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(10) Q: Would the symbolic apology make you EVER go back to the space?

A: Ask me in 11 years. That’s as long as I tolerated the antisemitism and it might take that long to heal from it.

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(11) Q: Will you talk to some people you are really close with who attend the space?

A: A couple of them, yes. The rest of them, maybe. Give me some time.

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(12) Q: Can I text you a heart emoji & maybe a good ol’ Star of David (I know, I know, Big Progressive Political Feelings, but it’s a lot easier to find on a phone than a hamsa, lol) if I’m Jewish and don’t know these people, don’t care about them, and want to support you?

A: Yes. Also go donate some money to your local minyan/supportive shul so that they can keep reaching out to people like me who need their sympathy and support.

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(13) Q: What’s the best thing I could say?

A: “Chana, I believe you. Antisemitism is awful. Give ’em hell.”

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